


Project Wingman sings Disney!

by Alto_128



Category: Project Wingman (Video Game)
Genre: Comedy, Gen, Song Parody
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-19
Updated: 2021-03-17
Packaged: 2021-03-17 20:20:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,327
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28854978
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alto_128/pseuds/Alto_128
Summary: A bunch of Disney song parodies, as sung by Sicario. Who knew these mercs could sing?
Kudos: 11





	1. I'll Make a Merc Out of You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The mercenary army that Kaiser assembles before taking Presidia is a little less skilled than he would like. So what does he do? He trains them in a montage to the tune of Mulan's _I'll Make a Man Out of You,_ that's what!

## I’LL MAKE A MERC OUT OF YOU

#### DAY 194 OF THE CURRENT CONTRACT

##### 56° 21' 1'' N 159° 30' 39'' W | WEATHER: CLEAR SKIES | 1330 LOCAL TIME

##### HIGHWAY 34 | CASCADIAN INDEPENDENCE FORCE HIDEOUT

_Outside the highway, we see KAISER, the merc army he has gathered and the remaining soldiers of Sicario (including HITMAN and GALAXY). Despite holding their own in Operation Welder the previous day, the merc army’s skill needs a bit of polishing. KAISER attempts to discipline them into a functioning army. He walks in front of the assembled mercs._

**KAISER:**  
You will assemble swiftly and silently, every morning. Anyone who acts otherwise will answer to me. 

**UNNAMED MERCENARY 1:**  
_(sotto voce, sarcastically)_ Ooh. Tough guy.

 **KAISER:**  
Ah. Thank you for volunteering. Get in the air with Comic. Shoot her down in a mock dogfight.

 **UNNAMED MERCENARY 1:**  
I’ll shoot her down, flyboy. And I’ll do it with my AOA limiter on. 

_He walks to his plane, an F/S-15._

**KAISER:**  
One moment; You seem to be missing something.

_PREZ enters, wheeling in two fuel pods that serve as dead weight. She loads them onto his plane’s hardpoints._

**KAISER:**  
This, _(he motions to one of the pods)_ represents discipline. And this, _(he motions to the other)_ represents strength. You need both to take her on.

_Short montage of various mercenaries being outmaneuvered because of the extra dead weight._

**KAISER:**  
_(sighs)_ We’ve got a long way to go… 

_GALAXY is seen in the background, slowly turning on his speakers._

_Scene change. Several planes are in the air in a mock dogfight. KAISER demonstrates, keeping a lock on GUNSEL long enough for the simulated missile to fire, despite the dead weight of the fuel tanks._

**KAISER:**  
_(singing)_  
Let’s get down to business, to defeat the Feds  
Did they send me cowards, when I want them dead?  
You’re the saddest bunch I ever met  
But you can bet, before we’re through  
Mister, I’ll make a merc out of you.

_He then sets his nose on UNNAMED MERCENARY 1 and simulates a missile launch on him._

_Scene changes to ground target training. DIPLOMAT launches several unguided rockets, hitting each of the targets._

**KAISER:**  
Tranquil as the blue skies, but dogfights within

_UNNAMED MERCENARY 2 (flying an F-18) attempts to hit the ground targets with rockets, but misses._

**KAISER:**  
Once you’re missile’s locked on, you are sure to win

_Scene changes to another dogfight. UNNAMED MERCENARY 1 acts as aggressor, launching a salvo of simulated missiles at KAISER, who breaks the locks and gets on his tail._

**KAISER:**  
You’re a spineless, pale, pathetic lot  
And you haven’t got a clue  
Somehow I’ll make a merc out of you.

_Three-on-three dogfight, MONARCH, KAISER and GUNSEL versus UNNAMED MERCENARIES 1, 2 & 3\. The three Sicario pilots win the mock dogfight with ease._

**UNNAMED MERCENARY 2:**  
I’m never gonna catch that jet!

 **UNNAMED MERCENARY 1:**  
Say goodbye to those who knew me!

 **UNNAMED MERCENARY 3 (flying an F-111):**  
Boy, I was a fool in school for flying Pigs!*

 **GALAXY:**  
Boss’s got ‘em scared to death!

 **PREZ:**  
Hoping Monarch’s G’s won’t kill me!

 **UNNAMED MERCENARY 2:**  
Now I really wish I knew how to evade!

_Scene change to further ground attack training, this time with bombs. None of the bombs dropped by the UNNAMED MERCENARY 3 are hitting home._

**HITMAN TEAM:**  
_(as a chorus)_  
Be a merc

 **KAISER:**  
We must be swift as a cruising missile

 **HITMAN TEAM:**  
Be a merc

_A bomb explodes near the hill where HITMAN TEAM, GALAXY and KAISER are watching from. The explosion startles them, causing GALAXY to spill his coffee on his shirt._

**KAISER:**  
With all the force of Calamity

 **HITMAN TEAM:**  
Be a merc

 **KAISER:**  
With all the strength of a cordium warhead  
Mysterious as Icarus Armories!

_KAISER is sitting on a hilltop, staring forlornly at the moon. He’s frustrated with how little progress the mercs are making._

_Scene change to all aircraft flying in formation. A lone aircraft can be seen trailing behind._

**KAISER:**  
Time is racing toward us, till the Feds arrive

_GALAXY notices this on his radar, and radios KAISER, who falls back to the lone aircraft and rocks his wings indicating for them to follow, before moving back into formation._

**KAISER:**  
Heed my every order, and you might survive

_On the ground, KAISER is berating the assembled mercenaries in front of him._

**KAISER:**  
You’re unsuited for the rage of war  
So pack up, go home, you’re through  
How could I make a merc out of you?

_UNNAMED MERCENARY 1 attempts to fight COMIC with the dead weights again. He uses the masses to his advantage by using them to speed up during a dive, and uses that extra speed to stay on her tail. KAISER looks up and sees this occurrence, a smile breaking out on his face._

**KAISER** and **CHORUS OF MERCENARIES:**  
(Be a merc)  
We must be swift as a cruising missile  
(Be a merc)  
With all the force of Calamity  
(Be a merc)  
With all the strength of a cordium warhead  
Mysterious as Icarus Armories!

_UNNAMED MERCENARY 2 hits all ground attack targets with the unguided rockets._

**KAISER** and **CHORUS:**  
(Be a merc)  
We must be swift as a cruising missile

_UNNAMED MERCENARY 1 defeats Kaiser in a mock dogfight._

**KAISER** and **CHORUS:**  
(Be a merc)  
With all the force of Calamity

_UNNAMED MERCENARY 3 lands a bomb right on target._

**KAISER** and **CHORUS:**  
(Be a merc)  
With all the strength of a cordium warhead  
Mysterious as Icarus Armories!

_All aircraft flying in formation, Presidia is seen in the background._

**INDEPENDENCE FORCE HQ:**  
All callsigns, commence the offensive. We are the descendants of those who will not be ruled. Show them what that means.

 **KAISER**  
To all mercenaries! Do not count days! Do not count miles! Count only the number of Feds you have killed! Go!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 'Pig' is a nicknamed used particularly by the RAAF to refer to the F-111, a ground attack plane not particularly equipped for air-to-air combat


	2. Ace Monarch

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Operation Guillotine, 'Cold War'. The biggest furball in history. What better way to announce the entrance of Sicario's kingmaker than Prez singing his fanfare to the tune of Aladdin's _Prince Ali?_

## ACE MONARCH

#### DAY 75 OF THE CURRENT CONTRACT

##### 65° 53' 49'' N 172° 21' 39'' W | WEATHER: BLIZZARD | 1305 LOCAL TIME

##### BERING STRAIT | CONTESTED WATERS

_Sicario’s airborne elements are entering the furball at some distance. As they approach, drums and fanfare are heard._

**ALL:**  
Make way! For Ace Monarch!  
Say hey! It’s Ace Monarch!

 **PREZ:**  
Hey, clear the way to the old airspace  
Hey, you! Let us through, it’s a bright new ace  
Oh, come be the first in your flight to meet his eye  
Make way, here he comes, fox two, fire guns!  
Oh, you’re gonna love this guy!

Ace Monarch, fabulous he, Monarch the Crowned Merc  
Genuflect, show some respect, down on one knee  
Now try your best to stay calm,  
Ignore that missile alarm  
Then come and meet his spectacular coterie!

Ace Monarch, mighty is he, Monarch the Crowned Merc  
Strong as ten regular jets, definitely!

 **KAISER:**  
He saved the Wild Boar!

 **GALAXY:**  
Disabled Solana Comms!

 **PREZ:**  
Who sent those Feds to their lords?

 **ALL:**  
Why Ace Monarch!

 **ASSASSIN TEAM:**  
He’s got ninety-five high impact missiles!

 **DIPLOMAT:**  
Don’t they look lovely ’Mic?

 **GUNSEL TEAM:**  
MLAA’s he’s got fifty-three!

 **COMIC:**  
Fabulous, Dip, I love the trails.

 **PREZ:**  
When it comes to exotic-type aircraft  
Has he got a bunch, I’m telling you  
It’s a world-class aircrafterie!

 _with **CASCADIAN AIR FORCE:**_  
Ace Monarch, skillful is he (There’s no question, this Monarch’s royalty)  
Monarch the Crowned Merc (Never ordinary, never boring)  
That technique! How can I speak?  
Weak at the knee (Everything about this man impresses)  
Well, get on out in the air (He’s a winner, he’s an ace, a wonder)  
Adjust your mask and prepare (He’s about to tear the Feds asunder)  
To gawk and grovel and stare at Ace Monarch! (And I absolutely love the way he maneuvers!)

 **ALL:**  
He’s got ninety-five hundred Fed kill marks

 **FEDERATION PILOT:**  
He’s got the kill marks! I see the kill marks!

 **ALL:**  
And to join them he charges no fee!

 **FEDERATION WSO:**  
Missile alert, missile alert!

 **ALL:**  
He’s got Eagles and Tomcats and Fulcrums

 **HITMAN TEAM:**  
Proud to fly with him!

 **ALL:**  
They fly to his whim, love serving him  
They’re just lousy with loyalty to Monarch!  
Ace Monarch!

 **PREZ:**  
Ace Monarch, silent is he, Monarch the Crowned Merc  
Heard your transports took flight, easy pickings  
And that, good people, is why  
He got dolled up and dropped by.

 **ALL:**  
With sixty mercen’ries, missiles galore  
With his bombs and rockets, machine guns and more  
With his forty Flankers, from Maganski makers  
His guns that fire on key!  
Make way for Ace Monarch!


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Diplomat and Comic. Two aces that bicker like an old married couple. Cue the shipping, with the ever-lovely AWACS Galaxy serenading them to the tune of _Kiss the Girl_ from The Little Mermaid.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I originally wrote this as a Valentine's day gift for the Project Wingman Discord (I've included the link at the bottom). I've just neglected to publish it here, so here it is. Happy belated Valentine's day!

## KISS THE MIC

#### DAY 32 OF THE CURRENT CONTRACT

##### 29° 50' 12" N 90° 36' 30" W | WEATHER: CLEAR SKIES | 0615 LOCAL TIME

##### UNDISCLOSED MILITARY AIRBASE | CREOLE REPUBLIC

_Hitman Team is enjoying a relaxing morning during their contract with the Creole Republic in the mess hall. MONARCH and PREZ are sitting with GALAXY. DIPLOMAT and COMIC sitting together at a nearby table. As per usual, they were bickering like an old married couple over some trivial topic. PREZ nudges MONARCH and points to them._

**PREZ:**  
Hey, Monarch! Look at those two lovebirds over there. Betcha they’ll hook up by the end of the month. 

_MONARCH, ever silent, merely looks at them and shrugs. GALAXY strokes his chin thoughtfully as he considers the two. He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a note and lays it on the table._

**GALAXY:**  
Fifty bucks says they’ll do it before the next mission.

 **PREZ:**  
You’re on.

_GALAXY smirks. He pulls his phone out of his pocket and punches in a few commands. Various speakers strategically set up around them begin playing music._

**GALAXY:**  
Percussion.

_A press. Soft drums start playing._

**GALAXY:**  
Strings.

_Another press. Gentle tremolo violins start playing._

**GALAXY:**  
Wind.

_A graceful turn from a flute section._

**GALAXY:**  
Words. 

_He pulls out a microphone._

**GALAXY:**  
 _(sung)_  
Sitting with her  
Bickering across the base  
She’s Hitman’s third best ace  
And there’s something about her  
And you don’t know why, but you’re dying to try  
You wanna kiss the ‘Mic.

_GALAXY motions over to a few RONIN units to act as his backup. FNG and Crunch oblige._

**GALAXY, FNG** and **CRUNCH:**  
Yes, you want her  
Look at her, you know you do  
Definitely she wants you too, there is one way to ask her  
Just grow a pair, and ask her yeah,  
Go on and kiss the ‘Mic.

 **GALAXY:**  
 _(spoken)_  
Sing with me now.

_More RONIN units join him in chorus._

**GALAXY, FNG, CRUNCH, VOODOO** and **STRELOK**  
Sha-la-la-la-la-la, my oh my,  
Look like the Dip’s too shy  
He ain’t gonna kiss the ‘Mic  
Sha-la-la-la-la-la, ain’t that sad?  
Ain’t it a shame? Too bad  
He gonna miss the ‘Mic

_The music fades and there’s a focus on COMIC and DIPLOMAT bickering._

**COMIC:**  
What the hell Dip? Why do you put your milk into the bowl first? The cereal goes first, goddamnit.

 **DIPLOMAT:**  
(while pouring corn flakes into a bowl full of milk)   
You mean you don’t?

 **COMIC:**  
Of course not! That’s just wrong on so many levels!

 **DIPLOMAT:**  
Well, the way I see it, I get to eat cereal that doesn’t go soggy as quickly. Nothing’s worse than soggy corn flakes, y’know?

 **COMIC:**  
I know something worse - how about, I don’t know, pouring the milk first? You gonna tell me that you pour your salad dressing before the salad next?

 **DIPLOMAT:**  
I mean, if it works it-

 **COMIC:**  
Shut it. I’ll shoot you if you actually do that.

_GALAXY fades the music back in._

**GALAXY:**  
 _(the hummed lines of the tadpoles in the original tune are sung by Our Lawyer and Pretzel the Seal)_  
Now’s your moment (la la la)  
Eating in the merc mess hall (la la la)  
Boy, you better get some balls and just go and kiss her (la la la la la la)  
She won’t do a thing, not a single thing  
Until you, kiss the Mic

 **GALAXY, RONIN, MONARCH** and **PREZ:**  
Sha-la-la-la-la-la, don’t be scared  
Though there’s no mood prepared   
Go on and kiss the Mic (woah, woah)  
Sha-la-la-la-la-la, don’t stop now  
Don’t try to hide it how  
You wanna kiss the Mic (woah, woah)  
Sha-la-la-la-la-la, bicker on  
And listen to the song  
The song say, ‘Kiss the Mic’ (woah, woah)  
Sha-la-la-la-la-la, music play  
Do what the music say  
You gotta kiss the Mic

_DIPLOMAT and COMIC have stopped arguing and stared into each others’ eyes. They slowly lean closer together._

**GALAXY** and **PREZ:**  
Kiss the Mic  
(You’ve got to) Kiss the Mic  
(You wanna) Kiss the Mic  
(You’ve gotta) Kiss the Mic

_Their lips are almost touching and they close their eyes. GALAXY has a smug smile, PREZ, MONARCH, RONIN, OUR LAWYER and PRETZEL THE SEAL are watching eagerly on in anticipation of their kiss._

**ALL:**  
Go on and kiss the Mic

_Suddenly, KAISER slams the door open. Startled, DIPLOMAT and COMIC pull away from each other and act as if nothing happened._

**KAISER:**  
Everyone, listen up. We’ve received our last mission for our contract with this backwater place. Hitman, Ronin and Galaxy, I expect to see you in the briefing room in five minutes. Everyone else, continue to enjoy your breakfast.

_He leaves. PREZ smirks at GALAXY, who’s smile is slowly melting having just realised he lost $50._

**PREZ:**  
Well, looks like it’s time for the next mission. Fifty dollars please, Galaxy!

 **GALAXY:**  
You’ve got to be kidding me, they were so close! And Kaiser coming in right at the end was complete and utter bull!

 **PREZ:**  
But they didn’t do it! And you promised it by ‘the next mission’ didn't you Galaxy?

_She sticks her tongue out at GALAXY. Begrudgingly, he slid the note on the table over to her before leaving for the briefing room._

**PREZ:**  
Sweet, fifty bucks. (she pockets the money and sits thoughtfully for a few seconds) Hey Monarch, don’t you think it’s weird how Dip and Comic didn’t hear the song but we were singing at the top of our lungs? How d’you reckon that happened?

_Monarch shrugs, before getting up and turning away._

**MONARCH:**  
Plot convenience.

_Exeunt._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The named Ronin characters are various characters not found in-game, but created by shenanigans in the PW Discord. Same for Our Lawyer, Hitman Team's cordium-mutated child-sized pet opossum and Pretzel, Prez's pet seal.
> 
> Link to the Discord:  
> discord.gg/projectwingman


End file.
